Joshamee McJingleheiner
by Captain Dascher
Summary: POTC2 SPOILERS! Ok so this is my first fanfic so be nice. It is pretty damn random but it was written at about 3 in the morning so I was a bit mental at the time. It's very short but there may be a second one on the way XD
1. The sad sailor

**A/N:** Ok this is just a one-shot I wrote at like 3 in the morning so it's not the best thing ever. It's also my first fic so be nice.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Davy Jones, Jack or Barbossa but I do own Joshamee McJingleheiner and the SS Monkeyjanglesmith so :P to you.

The Sad Sailor

There once was a Navy officer called Joshamee McJingleheiner. One day he got sick of having to speak in a proper English accent so he said to himself.

"Oh my, I do wish I could speak-eth like a pirate."

So he quit from the Royal Navy and scurried away from Port Royal with his crew on the SS Monkeyjanglesmith.

For a couple of days they just sailed around until early one morning Joshamee bounded onto the deck and shouted out to his half drunk half asleep crew; "Yarr! Ye scaborous dogs! We be goin' after Davy Jones," he said in his pirate accent.

The crew looked at each other incredulously until one pirate asked, "But why are we going after the most feared pirate in the world?"

Joshamee McJingleheiner turned to look at his crew. "Because I want to and he is a freak with those weird tentalces on his face. Now hurry up and get sailing before a throw a temper tantrum!"

And so the crew scurried around in fear of the captain's temper.

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Davy Jones meanwhile was the devil of the sea and so was always being chased by his gothic pirate fangirls so when he heard of Joshamee McJingleheiner's quest to kill him just because he had tentacles on his face Davy Jones called on his beloved Kracken.

"Oh my sweet please will you go and eat the SS Monkeyjanglesmith for me and I promise to give you that special massage you love so much."

And so the feared sea monster swam off and swalled Joshamee McJingleheiner and all the crew aboard the SS Monkeyjanglesmith. But it was still hungry so it stalked off (or did it's best to stalk off as it can't even walk) and ate our beloved Jack Sparrow sorry CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow which then provoked the rabid fangirls of the Tortagloobia tribe to hunt down the Kracken and turn him into squid stew.

THE END

**A/N: **Yes I know it's short but as I said it was written at about 3 in the morning so I really wasn't all there. But please review if ya liked it or even if ya hated it I'm not very pickey.

Dascher


	2. Oh Bugger

Ok so I wrote another chapter for this story, mainly 'cause my friends wanted me to continue on with it. But as you will see it's a bit more detailed I think the word is, well it's not as rushed as the first installment but it does continue where we left off XD

So please read on and R&R.

Joshamee McJingleheiner looked at his surroundings. The reamins of the SSMonkeyjanglesmith sat semi-submerged in a dank cavern. He walked across to one of the walls, the floor beneath his feet was soft and sunk slightly under his weight. As he placed a grimy hand against the raw flesh-coloured wall a great rumbling issued from somewhere around him.

"Bugger," was the only word he could manage to utter. He had been swallowed whole by the feared Kracken and was some how the only one to have survived, or so he thought.

There was a splintering of wood and a slured curse echoed around the cavern.

"What the bloody hell just happened?"

"Jack! You're okay! We thought you were dead for sure," a teenage girl with dirty blonde hair and wearing a very dirty and ripped early victorian-style dress ran over to the pirate captain and started patting his head.

Jack looked up at the strange girl. "Who are you?" he asked wondering why the hell this girl was patting him as if he was some kind of puppy.

The girl grinned evily before standing up and spreading her arms out wide. "I am Diamond Sunset. Leader of the Tortagloobia Tribe!" she said extravagantly.

"Sunnie? Is that you?" another voice had rung out from the darkness.

"Minnow? Yes it is me. How many others are here?" Sunnie called back while looking around for her friend.

Minnow's voice shook slighly with anger as she emerged from beneath a long boat, "We're the only ones, the rest ran off when the Kracken appeared."

Joshamee, meanwhile had wandered back to the small group and rested on an upturned crate that bobbed in the shallow water. "I've heard of you lot. You're 'sposed to be Jack's fangirl's or somethin' aren't ye?" he inquired in his beloved pirate voice.

Sunnie was still patiently patting Jack's head. Minnow walked over to Sunnie and their much loved Jack. She wore a dress similar to Sunnie's but had managed to keep hers in much better shape. She too had dirty blonde hair but hers was more brunetter than her friend's. "Aye, we are Jack's fangirls," she replied as she sunk down on the other side of Jack and wrapping an arm around his waist.

"We're not just fangirls though, no we'er much more than that, we are Jack's _RABID_ fangirls," Sunnie corrected her.

"Well now we know who everone is I say that we need to find a way outta this rank ol' place," Joshamee piped up looking around the cavern as if expecting a rescue boat to sunddenly appear.

A spark suddenly lit up in Minnow's eyes and she leapt to her feet and ran aboard the remains of the SSMonkeyjanglesmith and the rest of them watched on in silence as she piled up crates and barrels and carons of rum.

As Jakc realised she was piling up the rum a thought occured to him and he shouted out, "NO! NOT THE RUM! You can't burn the rum!" He exclaimed leaping to his feet and scurrying towards the teetering pile of crates and barrels.

"It's the only way outta here Jack," Minnow replied calmly and she cracked open a barrel of gun powder. "You might all want to move away from here if I were you," she walked into the shadows of the cavern, a thin trail of gun powder trickling out of the barrel she carried.

The others followed hastly, Jack a little more reluctanly than the other two.

"Okay everyone, block ya ears now unless ye wanna be deaf as a monkey's arm."

Everyone looked at Joshamee and wondered where he had gotten such a strange simile before shoving their fingers in their ears and ducking behind some ruble Minnow had piled up.

Minnow lit the gun powder trail with her pistol and a flickering light began licking up the gun powder and was quickly gathering speed. And after only a few seconds all sounds stopped before a deafening explsion echoed around them and a roar erupted once more.

Suddenly the floor beneath the pirate's and fangirl's feet lurched and they were thrown forwards along with the flaming wreck of the SSMonkeyjanglesmith and a ghastly smelling slime. And before they knew it they had all landed face down on an island of cream-white sand and were covered in the sickly fluid.

"Bugger was the only word they could all bring themselves to utter. Well nearly all of them.

Sunnie blinked once and noticed her slime covered self before letting out an ear-peircing shriek and running around her arms flailing about in an attept to fling off the goo.

Joshamee, Jack and Minnow stared at their psychotic friend as she tripped over her own feet and face planted into the sand.

"I 'spose now all we can do is wait," Joshamee sighed laying back down.

"Now we wait,"replied Jack and Minnow as they too rested their heads in the slime-coated sand and eventually drifted into an easy sleep.

Yes it is a wee bit strange but I'm a bit psychotic at the moment and if you too were wondering 'bout Joshamee's 'deaf as a monkey's arm' saying, it's just a bit of an inside joke I have with one of my friends lol.

P.S- R&R XD

Dascher


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